Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone 
so hard that his foot broke the speed of 
light, went back in time, and killed Amelia 
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific 
Ocean. /t
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the
 world that sometimes corn needs to lie down./t
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, 
breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take 
a shotgun blast standing./t
The Great Wall of China was originally created 
to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably./t
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the 
box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most 
venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of 
being bitten, a human being experiences the 
following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard 
rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of 
being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield./t 
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. 
Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all 
poisonous./t
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always 
says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two 
seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in 
the face./t
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered 
in human skulls./t
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends 
blank forms and includes only a picture of himself,
crouched and ready to attack. Chuck 
Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever./t
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck 
Norris' fist./t
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's 
famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and 
spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth 
ingredient: Fear./t
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris 
Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot 
ass kicking in real-time./t
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in
 only three moves./t
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of 
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live./t
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one 
hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with 
his waitress./t
What was going through the minds of all of 
Chuck Norris' victims before they died? 
His shoe./t
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a 
brick wall in a game of tennis./t
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a
 Code 45-11.... a suicide./t
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He 
roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes
 straight out./t
Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he 
disembowels them./t
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify 
that this spot is for handicapped people. It is 
actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs 
to Chuck Norris and that you will be 
handicapped if you park there./t
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His 
state flower will be the Magnolia./t
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting
 pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw 
Masacre./t
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. 
Forever./t
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street 
Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta 
Testers because every button caused him to do a 
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," 
Norris replied, "That's no glitch."/t
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris 
once and he will roundhouse you in the face./t
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private 
Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball 
Chuck Norris played in second grade./t
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter 
plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"/t
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive 
re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a
 naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's 
atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and 
reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An 
embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a 
meteor, and still owes him a beer./t
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill./t
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that 
roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick 
someone. This has been recorded by historians 
as the worst mistake anyone has ever made./t
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a 
democracy, it is a Chucktatorship./t
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true 
story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle 
whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle 
was six feet tall and had learned karate./t
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are
 hung like Chuck Norris./t
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful 
than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings 
in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
 Norris's warm-up exercises./t
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display 
the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can 
never know both exactly where and how quickly
 he will roundhouse-kick you in the face./t
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But 
then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer./t
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can 
actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your 
descendants will occasionally clutch their heads 
and yell "What The Hell was That?"/t
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck 
Norris./t
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of 
relativity involving multiple universes in which 
Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this 
one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein 
and made public, Chuck Norris 
roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know 
Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking./t
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes 
blood baths./t
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the 
game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck 
Norris could defeat the entire combined nations 
of the world in one turn./t
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects
 Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the 
room itself./t
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the 
Native American "Trail of Tears" has been 
redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks./t
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He 
potato-sacks them./t
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British 
soldiers from the American Revolution who 
entered space after the Chuck gave them a 
roundhouse kick to the face./t
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he 
declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand 
gun and a bucket./t
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players 
Chuck Norris has breathed on./t
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong 
in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck 
Norris won by 5./t
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave
 baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried 
with him until he died. The other three wise men were
enraged by the preference that Jesus showed
to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him 
written out of the bible. All three died soon after of 
mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries./t
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year./t
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he 
doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and
 money falls out./t
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his 
friends could tell him there was a stripper in it./t
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck 
Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes./t
There are no races, only countries of people 
Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of 
black and blue./t
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin
 at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he 
roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a 
Wendy's./t
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" 
because his markers are filled with the blood of 
his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red./t
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the 
preferred method of execution in 16 states./t
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris 
doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris./t
Scientists have estimated that the energy given 
off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 
1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)/t
Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that 
he walks through./t
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't 
be because he is gay. It will be because he has 
run out of women./t
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if 
a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it./t
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the 
words assemble themselves out of fear./t
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in 
Texas have an even larger size than the 
super-size. When ordering, just ask to be 
Chucksized. /t
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter./t
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could 
power the country of Australia for 44 minutes./t
Chuck Norris can divide by zero./t
The grass is always greener on the other side, 
unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case 
the grass is most likely soaked in blood and 
tears./t
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck 
Norris is worth 1 billion words./t
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states 
that for each action, there is an equal and 
opposite reaction, there is no force equal in 
reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick./t
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. 
It's called Chuck-Will-Kill./t
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was 
aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck
 Norris just to be on the safe side./t
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of 
welding titanium./t
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin 
textbook company when it became apparent 
that their account of the war of 1812 was 
plagiarized from his autobiography./t
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And 
dies./t
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its
 hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses 
every part./t
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more 
than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris
 calls this "a slow Tuesday."/t
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed 
enough Chuck Norris to go around./t
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the 
face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is 
Chuck Norris./t
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right 
one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than
 the other one./t
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location 
of Carmen SanDiego./t
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for 
every answer. You will score over 8000./t
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented
 the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. 
Tom Cruise invented pink./t
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything 
is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face./t
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all 
time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, 
despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail 
Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades 
and a green #4 card from the game UNO./t
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects 
one lucky child to be thrown into the sun./t
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck 
Norris./t
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too 
much. Chuck Norris throws down!/t
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck
 Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the 
face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the 
universe./t
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons 
is the Earth./t
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and 
boils the water with his own rage./t
Archeologists unearthed an old english 
dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It 
defined "victim" as "one who has encountered 
Chuck Norris"/t
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, 
and got one./t
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The 
bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of 
awesome cannot be contained in one 
building./t
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his 
ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just 
doesn't happen./t
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in
 thirty-seven seconds./t
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented
 the Caesarean section when he 
roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb./t
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just 
knocks down one pin and the other nine faint./t
The show Survivor had the original premise of 
putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. 
There were no survivors, and nobody is brave 
enough to go to the island to retrieve the 
footage./t
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 
Minutes./t
You know how they say if you die in your dream 
then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you 
dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you 
and kill you./t
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for
 human life... unless it gets in his way./t
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda 
Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked 
one of the corners off./t
There are no weapons of mass destruction in 
Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma./t
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany./t
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he 
doesn't walk around people. He walks through 
them./t
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of 
sleeping pills. They made him blink./t
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play 
the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he 
realized that would have turned his movie into a
 documentary, so he went with Arnold 
Schwarzenegger./t
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer./t
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came 
across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north 
into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its
 decendents now have white hair./t
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully 
loaded gun and won./t
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris 
smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an 
orphanage/t
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's 
over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament
 in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles 
became pregnant instantly./t
Some people wear Superman pajamas. 
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas./t
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for 
the San Diego evening news. Every night he 
would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy 
with a 75% chance of Pain./t
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can
 stretch diamonds back into coal./t
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't 
lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down./t
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor,
 sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order./t
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over 
your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his 
pants./t
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his 
enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with
 one round house kick to the face./t
There is in fact an I in Norris, but there is no 
team not even close./t
Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannae change
 the laws of physics. This is untrue. Chuck Norris 
can change the laws of physics. With his fists./t
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE 
WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it 
sounds AWESOME./t
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He 
accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and 
sidewalks./t
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck 
Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in 
Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm 
stadium in San Diego./t
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill 
people. They wipe out their entire existence from 
the space-time continuum./t
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or 
microwave , because revenge is a dish best 
served cold./t
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris 
because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of 
Chuck Norris' autobiography./t
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door./t
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every 
swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing 
Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not 
swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters 
the water, the water gets out of his way and 
Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor./t
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the 
world was too frightened to beat a path to his 
door./t
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings 
featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. 
It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck 
roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through 
the first chapter./t
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps 
gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to 
make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and 
make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this 
as the "Circle of Life."/t
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, 
Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.
 Period./t
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for 
taking the name of what he calls everything 
around you./t
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town 
say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each 
have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or 
kicking a pedestrian./t
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised 
primarily of an element called Chucktanium./t
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate 
milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around 
ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel./t
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will 
die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the 
round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will 
tear out your pancreas./t
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the
 winner would be Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time,
 just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then
 he kills people./t
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck 
Norris./t
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit 
an iceberg. The ship was off course and 
accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was 
doing the backstroke across the Atlantic./t
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 
16. Seconds./t
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien 
and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was 
cancelled shortly after going into preproduction.
 No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie 
fourteen seconds long./t
Chuck Norris sperm is so badass, he had sex 
with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she 
prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion./t
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 
cards./t
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 
11,940 natives he had killed and eaten./t
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply 
to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing 
people and finding people to kill./t
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris
has you, in which case, forget it buddy!/t
For most people, home is where the heart is. For 
Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his 
collection of human skulls./t
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace 
elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the
 face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman./t
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a 
"hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the 
head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him 
through the earth, stopping just short of the 
surface of Iraq./t
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". 
Already Been Chucked./t
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he 
crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars 
that get too close./t
huck Norris does not have to answer the phone. 
His beard picks up the incoming electrical 
impulses and translates them into audible 
sound./t
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get 
to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From 
Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides 
what time it is./t
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined
 by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas 
Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a 
broken leg might be the worst extent of their 
injuries. This never proved to be the case./t
When chuck Norris does division, there are no 
remainders./t
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they 
also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists"
 are understood./t
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, 
because he will bite your damn eyes off./t
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a 
day. Give a man anything that is better than a 
fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take 
it./t
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe 
Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck 
Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat.
 Lou Gehrig got off easy./t
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: 
Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris./t
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military 
code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement"./t
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally 
conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any
 building smaller than an aircraft hangar./t
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it 
can be seen from outer space by the naked 
eye./t
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. 
Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian 
Tigers./t
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He 
who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the 
roundhouse kick./t
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go 
awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris 
come off without a hitch./t
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone 
who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater 
and forgets to turn their cell phone off./t
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful,
 that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly
 destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career./t
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of 
time without proper eye protection will cause 
blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the 
face./t
Chuck Norris can taste lies./t
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. 
In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the 
corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in 
the billions./t
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his 
toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio./t
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck 
Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier./t
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit 
organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the 
organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick 
Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any 
drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere./t
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky./t
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf 
McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David 
Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue 
and eat him./t
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round 
house./t
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is
 notable in that it was the first occasion in 
Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared 
without a mustache. And a head./t
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, 
the Total Gym feels like it's been raped./t
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck 
Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% 
of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal 
deaths./t
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two 
minutes./t
The only sure things are Death and Taxesand 
when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, 
they'll be the same thing./t
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There 
were no survivors./t
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is 
beginning to worry about his drinking habit./t
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not 
try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death./t
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. 
They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize 
only one mission: seek and destroy./t
To be or not to be? That is the question. The 
answer? Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do 
you call one roundhouse kick to the face a 
fight?/t
There are two types of people in the world... 
people that suck, and Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The 
bed wet itself out of fear./t
If you were somehow able to land a punch on 
Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon 
impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, 
who in their right mind would try this?/t
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck
 Norris' weight is his dick./t
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck 
Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his 
dream by a roundhouse kick to the face./t
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a 
dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. 
However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was 
the molten crater of an active volcano./t
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as 
toilet paper./t
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck 
Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean./t
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other 
badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see 
who was the supreme badass. Only two showed 
up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver./t
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb 
out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck 
Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. 
MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart./t
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge
of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck
Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then r
ipped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to 
death with it. 
Game, set, match./t
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. 
Most times he forgets to kill the cow./t
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that 
energy can neither be created nor destroyed... 
unless it meets Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has 
every internet site stored in his memory. He 
refreshes webpages by blinking./t
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the 
woman survives./t
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will 
reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's 
future is always the same: death by a 
roundhouse-kick to the face./t
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know -
 Except for the definition of mercy./t
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge 
Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is 
because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two 
places at the same time./t
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because 
they're always slick with blood./t
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris 
takes this as a personal insult./t
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit 
with one roll of the dice, and without answering 
a single question... just a nod of the head, and a
 stroke of the beard./t
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related 
accidents every year./t
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors 
beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the 
same time./t
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can 
walk on Jesus./t
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the 
transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the 
face./t
If you're driving down the road and you think 
Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank 
your lucky stars it wasn't the other way 
around./t
July 4th is Independence day. And the day 
Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think 
not./t
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because 
his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go 
to the dentist because they have no teeth./t
In the medical community, death is referred to as 
"Chuck Norris Disease"/t
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the 
knife lost./t
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, 
don't ask him for his three-hole-punch./t
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, 
Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I 
was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck 
Norris./t
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk 
about Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black 
president. If you're thinking to yourself, 
"But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead 
wrong. And stop being a racist./t
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the
 actual world economy./t
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest 
level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled 
enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse 
kicks the Playstation back to Japan./t
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his 
heartburn./t
Every time someone uses the word "intense", 
Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else 
is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the 
face./t
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a 
toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge./t
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a 
restaurant. The steak did what it was told./t
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris 
considers him "a promising Rookie"./t
There are only two things that can cut diamonds:
 other diamonds, and Chuck Norris./t
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 
miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance 
in half the time./t
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls 
without chewing./t
What many people dont know is chuck norris is 
the founder of planned parenthood. Not even 
unborn children can escape his wrath./t
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive 
bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, 
when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to 
Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry 
cleaning./t
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 
mph at the Daytona 500, without a car./t
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half 
coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol./t
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of 
visine./t
The chemical formula for the highly toxic 
cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris'
 initials. This is not a coincidence./t
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last 
weekend, he maxed them out./t
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her./t
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass 
twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no 
one could survive it the first time./t
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun./t
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food 
restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve 
nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and 
Hot Pockets./t
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris 
chews tin foil./t
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better 
than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on./t
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a 
"Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody 
Mary", if your name happens to be Mary./t
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. 
Unless he smiles while hes roundhouse kicking 
someone in the face. Then two people die./t
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they 
sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag./t
Theres an order to the universe: space, time, 
Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is 
first./t
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name 
is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he 
simply stared at him until he exploded./t
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake 
made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one 
dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and 
rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his 
neck with a syringe./t
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed 
with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and 
Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same 
time./t
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He 
makes people dead./t
Chuck Norris is the only person who can 
simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in 
each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one 
he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays 
bullets./t
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his 
badge underneath his shirt, directly into his 
chest./t
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men 
super-powers are done with special effects. 
Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every 
character./t
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying
 to get away from Chuck Norris./t
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills
 a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck 
Norris kills a lion./t
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. 
Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 
'What'./t
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does 
not eat animals until first he puts them into 
vegetative state with his fists./t
The 11th commandment is Thou shalt not piss off 
Chuck Norris This commandment is rarely 
enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish./t
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV./t
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're 
Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a 
roundhouse kick to the face./t
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs 
out... and then roundhouse kicked them through
 an Oldsmobile./t
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster 
than the speed of light. This means that if you 
turn on a light switch, you will be dead before 
the lightbulb turns on./t
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders 
a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul./t
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his 
rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts 
ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
 Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face 
and took his soul back. The devil, who 
appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and 
admitted he should have seen it coming. They 
now play poker every second Wednesday of the 
month./t
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award 
for acting... because he's not acting./t
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it 
into you./t
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets 
killed. Some get away. They are called 
astronauts./t
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his 
body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is 
considered a concealed weapon in over 50 
states./t
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a 
fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's 
most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for 
inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross 
National Product of Paraguay./t
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck 
Norris' first visit to Tokyo./t
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, 
but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit 
from anybody./t
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear 
through an automatic car wash, instead of 
taking a shower./t
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when 
Chuck Norris gets too hot./t
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the 
naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter./t
After taking a steroids test doctors informed 
Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He 
laughed upon receiving this information, and 
said "of course my urine tested positive, what do 
you think they make steroids from?"/t
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy 
giving other people nightmares./t
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the 
first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going
 to ask Chuck Norris for help./t
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck 
Norris just hates trailer parks./t
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, 
and an honorable 32nd-degree mason./t
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they 
follow him. But then he turns around and kicks 
their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris./t
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined 
by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas 
Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a 
broken leg might be the worst extent of their 
injuries. This never proved to be the case./t
Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful,
it can be seen from outer space by the naked 
eye./t
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, 
carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal 
matter. This was proven a recently, when 
scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be 
Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside 
the Hope Diamond./t
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of 
the bulls. He walked./t
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one 
arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher./t
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount 
Rushmore. He completed the entire project using 
only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel./t
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months 
later it had a calf./t
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but 
maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in 
between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich./t
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to 
Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two 
electric eels./t
The Manhattan Project was not intended to 
create nuclear weapons, it was meant to 
recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris 
Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come 
close./t
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the 
state of North Dakota./t
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact 
get one........one bad-ass that is./t
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to 
cure indigestion./t
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob
 Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a 
handshake. The rest is history./t
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die 
Hards./t
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written 
as Chuck Norris' theme song./t
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His 
heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him./t
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires./t
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main 
ingredient is real toes./t
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the 
blood of his victims./t
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the 
Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green 
"falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint 
texture of his beard./t
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, 
and that dick is still bigger than yours./t
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. 
Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of 
them./t
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman
 who has never met Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever 
dared question his motives./t
When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately 
had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her 
first. She was his third. That afternoon./t
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a 
percussionist./t
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", 
because he knows the answer./t
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. 
The definition for each word is as follows - A swift
 roundhouse kick to the face./t
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does./t
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from 
Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while 
visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and 
buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal 
matter./t
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a 
salesman. Over the phone./t
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the 
pen is held by Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one 
stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two 
stones. The ones in his pants./t
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi./t
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas 
Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that 
occurred during the making of the episode./t
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78
 degrees./t
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks 
open a chicken./t
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron 
and a bowling ball./t
According to the Bible, God created the universe
 in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created 
God by snapping his fingers./t
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs 
a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's 
blood./t
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would
 take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven 
times./t
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was 
an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three 
seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a 
roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime./t
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just 
Correct. Always./t
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's 
head off./t
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in 
the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people./t
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth 
after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting 
the Anti-Christ./t
They were going to release a Chuck Norris 
edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out 
to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a 
Roundhouse Kick."/t
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in 
history to have an opposable thumb. On his 
penis./t
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of 
Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat 
just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the 
chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move./t
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 
'N' Gravel./t
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus 
Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was 
chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep./t
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder 
for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are 
recognized world-wide as "acts of God."/t
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's 
also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead 
ninjas in his front yard./t
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because 
there is no such thing as protection from Chuck 
Norris./t
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette 
machine in the Osaka airport./t
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun 
fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris 
fight./t
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, 
beaten the odds. With his fists./t
In ancient China there is a legend that one day 
a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a 
man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man 
is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed 
that man./t
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and 
sandpaper./t
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you 
do not pass go, and you do not collect two 
hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it 
out alive./t
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a 
sociable holder for blood and guts"./t
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a 
one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair 
advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms 
off and one of his legs. He then 
roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing 
him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs 
back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing 
wire./t
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: 
crushed./t
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of 
separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the 
face, at any time./t
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck 
Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home 
Depot./t
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked 
it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice./t
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. 
Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead./t
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter 
scale./t
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, 
therefore I am." What most people don't know is
 that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck 
Norris."/t
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten 
dollar bill into 200 nickels./t
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck 
Norris, the historical duration of the war 
decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" 
sequels, and that war will have never actually 
existed./t
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi./t
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His 
favorite is where he removes your lower intestine 
and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it.
 Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for 
not complimenting him on his balloon animal./t
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And 
he can do it with one hand./t
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris 
doesn't kill women./t
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is 
more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse 
kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box 
of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are 
going to get./t
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS 
WAY./t
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, 
Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris./t
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed 
himself to be captured. For torture, they made 
him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds./t
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by 
urinating into a lighter./t
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck 
Norris heads outside and brands his cattle./t
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to 
heaven./t
Whoever said "only the good die young" was 
probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class./t
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the 
Eiffel tower./t
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your 
cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill 
you in your sleep./t
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just
 chews through the can./t
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer 
tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor 
involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian 
Necktie./t
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a 
blowtorch to masturbate./t
Proponents of higher-order theories of 
consciousness argue that consciousness is 
explained by the relation between two levels of 
mental states in which a higher-order mental 
state takes another mental state. If you mention 
this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive 
roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too 
much fancy-talk./t
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the 
alphabet./t
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit 
wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his 
nickname back./t
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? 
Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear 
everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking 
terror in your soul./t
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an 
extremely hostile takeover./t
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs 
at Chuck Norris  dies./t
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he 
can smell fear, but because he can piss on 
whatever he wants./t
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper 
cables attached to his nipples./t
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in 
your hand. He shreds your trachea before 
ravaging your soul with a combination of 
chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and 
death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain./t
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled 
with magma./t
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris 
tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough 
enough to be associated with him. The Army, for 
fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and 
promised to develop a weapon more fitting of 
his name. To date, no weapon created has been 
badass enough to be named after Chuck 
Norris./t
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the 
universe. We weren't before his first space 
expedition./t
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, 
Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep./t
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris 
steps on necks./t
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to 
make because Chuck had to downplay his 
abilities. The first few cuts were completely 
unbelievable./t
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in 
fact, a documentary./t
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays 
perfectly in place out of sheer terror./t
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck 
Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up./t
A study showed the leading causes of death in 
the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck 
Norris, 3. Cancer/t
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck 
Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the 
fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck
 Norris' skin./t
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day./t
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often 
chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has 
DARED call him on it. Ever./t
Anytime someone is elected president in the 
United States, they must ask permission from 
Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The 
reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won 
every Federal, State, and Local election since 
1777. He just allows others to run the country in 
his place./t
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to 
go back./t
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck 
Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed 
by Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they 
refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, 
insisting that that actually is "his" way./t
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives
 you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because 
dead men tell no tales./t
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for 
children./t
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in 
a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. 
Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied 
team in professional football history./t
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that 
can actually email a roundhouse kick./t
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII 
singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to 
pursue a career in ass-kicking./t
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin
 Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden 
Norris"/t
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a 
magnifying glass. At night./t
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris 
played Kick the keg./t
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a 
workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down 
with liquid-hot MAGMA./t
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill./t
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck 
his mother's breast. His mother served him 
whiskey, straight out of the bottle./t
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, 
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you 
yesterday./t
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from 
his beard and skewered three men through the 
heart with it./t
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a 
generous donation to the American Cancer 
Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for 
scientific research./t
Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the 
roundhouse./t
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become
 death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not 
referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to
 the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was 
wearing./t
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his 
urine as a canned beverage. We know this 
beverage as Red Bull./t
a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of 
American women lost their virginity to Chuck 
Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly./t
Chuck Norris invented a language that 
incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So 
next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont 
be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell 
you he likes your hat./t
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck 
Norris./t
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month 
would be named Chucktober, and every day 
he'd kick your ass./t
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can 
smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I 
don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck 
Norris."/t
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas 
Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run./t
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and 
paper clips, but Chuck Norris can 
roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and 
take it./t
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. 
Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris./t
Whats known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting 
Championship, doesnt use its full name, which 
happens to be Ultimate Fighting Championship,
 Non-Chuck-Norris-Division./t
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of 
iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and 
wood-grain alcohol./t
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age 
is to cut him in half and count the rings./t
There is endless debate about the existence of 
the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck 
Norris finds it delicious./t
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck 
Norris' boots ain't that merciful./t
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer 
Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: 
Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a 
single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo 
practice./t
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a 
condom./t
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and 
Friends"/t
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an 
ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day 
opponents less laughably pathetic./t
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 
flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like 
Fudge Ripple./t
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he 
MEANS it./t
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris 
brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it 
with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the 
lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then 
roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was 
just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and 
the good Chuck, he taketh away./t
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about./t
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because 
it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds 
you./t
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND 
make it drink./t
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. 
Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and 
punched the ground./t
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to 
have had a mortal father. The most popular 
theory is that he went back in time and fathered 
himself./t
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, 
because Chuck Norris only recognizes the 
element of surprise./t
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant 
meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck 
Norris a giant meteor./t
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house 
kicked the deputy./t
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's
 Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the 
path of a deadly asteroid./t
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover./t
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, 
except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black 
holes. They taste like chicken./t
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't
 have nearly enough balls./t
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to 
change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris 
prefers to kill in the dark./t
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to 
fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."/t
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said 
"yes", it would collapse Colombia's 
infrastructure./t
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, 
roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 
13,000 percent./t
Crime does not pay - unless you are an 
undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a 
routine patrol./t
Chuck Norris invented the internet just so he 
had a place to store his porn./t
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks 
into random houses and people move./t
It is better to give than to receive. This is 
especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse 
kick./t
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a 
staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie 
Wonder at the same time./t
Industrial logging isn't the cause of 
deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks./t
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... 
because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal 
chef./t
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family 
does not die from cholera or dysentery, but 
rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also 
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, 
axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always 
makes it to Oregon before you./t
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding./t
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's 
also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead 
ninjas in his front yard./t
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris 
said, "say 'please'."/t
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands 
that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists 
is inside his own body./t
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street 
with a massive erection. There were no 
survivors./t
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went 
back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As 
Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his 
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded 
out of sheer amazement./t
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares 
them down until he gets the information he 
wants./t
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because 
Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is 
afraid of Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on 
the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the 
whole damn barn falls down./t
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, 
Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the 
lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of 
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an 
attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he 
fights./t
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the 
Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into 
Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want 
fries with that" because by now everyone should 
know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with 
anything. Ever./t
qChuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its 
decendants are known today as Giraffes./t
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a 
Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys./t
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck 
Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for 
a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another 
chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize 
that this contact would end the universe./t
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised 
never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is 
enough/t
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye 
drops./t
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one 
card./t
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a 
pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes 
up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY 
IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such 
a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It 
wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for 
a deer!'"/t
People created the automobile to escape from 
Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris 
created the automobile accident./t
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the 
face first and asks questions later./t
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person 
who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck 
Norris./t
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open./t
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new 
dinosaur. Its actually many dinosaurs but one is 
in the middle of all the others. The one in the 
middle is believed to have killed the others with a
 single roundhouse kick to the face. The 
archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs 
but the Indian government changed the name 
to Himotosaurous because its simply not possible
 for Mr. Norris to be killed./t
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, 
simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer./t
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he 
does crying scenes./t
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins 
conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in 
the face./t
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck 
Norrisaurus./t
People have often asked the United States, What 
is your secret weapon against terrorists? We 
simply reply...Chuck Norris/t
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky 
toe and he eats with the Big Dipper. /t
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder./t
Lightning never strikes twice in one place 
because Chuck Norris is looking for it. /t
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's 
court.  He was known as Sir Beatdown./t
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He 
went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played 
rugby by himself.  He went undefeated./t
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army 
surrendered so quickly because they knew 
Chuck Norris was coming. /t
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, 
he checks his closet for Chuck Norris./t
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits./t
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
 and Order are trademarked names for his left 
and right legs./t
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills 
People./t
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain./t
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There 
is only another fist./t
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill./t
The leading causes of death in the United States 
are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer/t
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK 
NORRIS GOES KILLING/t
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy./t
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered
in human skulls./t

